90% vs 10%

90/10...a ratio I was considering today when considering the way I submerge myself in life.

Yesterday I attended the first of a 3 day quilting retreat in my hometown with the Dear Jane quilters. Instead of staying at the hotel and committing 100% to the experience I opted to return home at night; 90% in and 10% out of the experience. Instead of setting up my sewing machine and committing 100% to a project I instead dabbled at 3 projects and accomplished probably 10% on each one, leaving a 90% deficit.

It seems I'm always flying on the edge of experiences, keeping one foot securely grounded. That anchor that is always present keeps me from submersing myself 100%. So, instead of being saturated with color, experience, possibilities I build a little wall that keeps me "safe" but actually causes conflict because I'm not all the way IN, only 90%.

So today I'm packing up my sewing machine, bringing my new project which I'm not enthused about but thought I should do, and sew my little heart out. This evening is the annual "show and tell" and I have two projects I did commit to 100% and will present them with 100% enthusiasm.

spring budding

The temperature exceeded sixty degrees here yesterday. The pussywillow bush several days ago was budding full and furry. Today it is morphing into soft green leaves. From the kitchen window the bush looks tall and full against the wide spring sky. It is a sentinel of this season and the next.

Close up, touching the soft velvety catkins, the new growth of spring is the essence of renewal. But one thing is missing. The bees are missing. Every other year the bees would be busily visiting the bush, hovering and working. But not this year; not one single bee came to dance with the pussywillow.

I feel a sadness with their absence and also concern that every season we may have one less garden visitor. Will the hummingbirds come? Will the butterflies grace their special bush? What about the dragonflies...lightening bugs...goldfinches?

The silence of the absence of the bees carries a lot of questions. Who has the answers?

i don't know, i just don't know anything anymore

i just don't know

Only three and a half months since my last blog...oh, well. Perhaps this will be a quarterly posting schedule instead of the every day event I imagined when I began. Perhaps this is "quality time" blogging?? I don't know anything anymore except that I don't know anything.

Just take everything in your brain you thought you knew, put it in a good old brown grocery bag, shake it up, dump it out, and see if anything makes sense. Maybe I do still KNOW stuff; maybe it's just that nothing makes sense anymore. I don't know. See? I just don't know anymore.

If you can make sense of this, good for you. For I just don't know...